I really having lots and lots of headache now... more and more frequent... especially today.. super headache today.. woke up really bad... then went to consult the doctor... told him about my cough and headaches... the doc said I am under stress... I really dont know... I really need a break... but I just cant have any break now... everything is coming against me... before I say anything talk about now...

Now.. quarreling with my mum... why? because of jinshu... not really cause of her... but is cause of her than start the arguement... Js didnt go to school in the morning... and then her mum is super angry with her... and my mum and hers were talking on the phone... her mum was talking about her doesnt seem to be interested in studies... and I just read her blog... so I defend her.. and my mum blame me for siding her... and things like this.. I told her that they dont understand us, and we dont understand them... there is just a gap between us... and due to my headache and depression I raise my voice slightly and here we started to argue...

Jinshu, if you are reading this... if you are really keen in studying, and have alot of interest... I think you should do somthing... I trust that you still have the interest to study, just that you started badly and now cuase you to have a difficulty to catch up with all and still must keep up with the current work... I do understand hwo you feel... they dont see you study.. but I ask you this question, seriously... did you try to make an effort? Have you really try to read up on yourself and understand it? I know it is easier to say than done... I'm like you too... even now for my english... but I can really tell you that even how much Mr Teo and I or even others help you... you dont help yourself.. is no use... is really no use... all depends on ourself.. I know is really easier to say than done... but just want to tell you that your studies is for your own good, and this is also to prove to your parents that they are wrong.. and also at least make my defend for you worthwile... ok?

Enough about all these... also another thing that makes me really pissed off once I reached home is about my dad... RP send a letter stating that they didnt receive the amount of money for my school fees.. and he kept nagging me about it... and saying is my fault and stuffs.. I really no longer in the right frame of mind to listen to all these crapz.. I really under alot of stress... I need a break.. I want to have a silence at home... I want to talk to my computer with peace... but both you and mummy couldnt give me today... and today was really my bad day... super bad day!!! And just when I reached home havent got the chance to sit down... I heard these two things... arghhh...

After consulting the doctor today, I reached home, then I was playing my game then ate my lunch then after a while felt very tired... real tired therefore I went to sleep... lucky Mr Teo sms me about his lunch, if not I wont get up and forget about his lunch cause before that was 'talking' to him in msn... and he wanted lunch... reached school about 3 I guess... they were sort of shocked I am there.. nevermind its ok... talked to them about mdm tey... she mention about our playfulness at her house... LoLz...

Mr Teo just didnt want to talk to me.. hmpf... so no use of me to stay in the PE room cause dua hai wasnt around too.. so I went up to the hall after talking to eileen they all.. then later talked to Ms Mak.. and she wants to learn netball.. so taught her the court rules... like the position and where are they restricted to run... stupid mr teo still dont want to talk.. hmpf~!... then I really dont wish to care anymore... because as I was looking at them I really think they are better than me... I cant catch a pass properly, nor can I pass properly... and remember about yesterday and I was upset with it.. so I could not be bothered by him anymore.. the sudden sadness and angriness just inside therefore aftere helping HY to help her take the balls, I took a ball and hit the wall and catch... high ball I couldnt catch... and I just remmebered yesterday.. kelly passed a high ball to me... and then I could not catch it... and come because of my height again... if my height really cause so much problem, then fine... I stop playing netball then.. since I am not that tall what... isnt that I am not jumping ok!? come on... I think I use more effort to jump than you! so please do not say that jump higher can!? if you say I am short I got nothing to say, because it wasnt my fault.. asking me to higher how about you!? you can do it.. but you are not! *I know I am getting more and more negative already... I know... but still will try to control...*

Anyway... after letting go my frustration on the ball and the wall I went back to sit down... and didnt talk to Ms Mak at all... just sit down quietly and head lean on my hands... having headache at that moment.. so just try to take a nap... then this time Mr Teo then came over to ask if I am ok and then ask me go over if I got something to ask him... I went over... didnt know how to ask... because I am no longer in his team anymore.. so dont know if I should ask... in the end I did... told him what happen yesterday... then he told me that a great player is someone who is able to influence the teammates... make them do what I want... make the team be a better a team when I am around... just like siewmei... making a difference when I am there and when I am not there... I understand... thanks mr teo... I understand what Tony say now... and I will try... I will give all my best tomorrow...

After talking about this... he stood up... and he said that he dont want to talk to me... and I just dont know why.. so I asked him and he said cause I didnt want to talk to him.. I suppose is because yesterday.. about my nick... and so I said.. no.. I didnt want to tell you because it links to you... and he got serious.. and he wants to know it.. and so he wants to know... if I dont tell him he really dont want to talk to me... then I think and think again.. and decided to tell him... starting to him.. it does not relate to him... but well.. after explaining more about it I guess it does... talked not much the girls called him.. so we didnt continue it... later went down... then it was when about to leave.. than he start the topic... I really dont know why.. today I just got so daring that I said what I want to say, not just him... even my mum... even other people.. I just say what is in my mind... and so both of us continue talking about it... but I still dont get what I want to hear... Mr Teo, both of us dont really know each other that well... to outsiders, it may seem to be... inside it is not... I think I and my disciples know each other better more... and it is not the oppinions that affect me.. is what I think that is making me upset, I am not affected by others' oppinions... really... I am not concering about the status, but I just do not understand why is this happening? I always could not get what I want, and she gets what I want... is it really true when you dont want something then you will get it? I dont know... and.. I really wish to know why you make that choice... I am sorry for all these... but I just cannot understand... and i want to understand...And, I guess I was quite frank just now.. apologise for that... we maybe 10 odd years friend, but the closeness I can tell you is not as much as for me and others... there are really things I see and you didnt see... I just want to know reason of why... and tts all... sorry if it bothers you... he left... this is still not the ending... hmm...

Today really seems to be a daring day for me... I said what I wanted to say... to my mum, to mr teo, to everyone... well done :) I realise that I had grown up... I suppose? Hopefully... tomorrow there is a test.. I better go and sleep now.. if not I dont score well... then thats the end... even if I wan to transfer, I guess I must do well here and prove to other Polys that I am a good student... really headache man.. -sighz- really bad month for me.. July is not a good month for me... !!!! I need a break for everything!!!!

.+.+.+.xIaOyUn jiayou.+.+.+.

+++++ xIaOyUn leave memory +++++ @ 9:58:00 PM